Life Goes On

It's been 5 days since I returned from Chicago, and I am finally ready to think about it again. It seems to me that the way I have been dealing with my grandpa's passing is by avoiding thinking about it completely. It seems to work, and although it may not be the healthiest of things, it is better than crying all the time. 


Upon arriving in Chicago (and picked up by my wheelchair) I was immediately whisked to dinner with the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandma. There were a lot of us there, one of the few days we would all be in town. At several points I felt very strange - eating dinner with my cousins, catching up on life, joking and laughing - just like any other Blair family reunion. 


I was in Chicago for another 6 days. We went to grandpa's memorial and I was able to speak. We watched a beautiful video about my grandpa and his life. We cried and hugged others who were also struggling through this loss. Not everything was like usual. But I find you can't talk about the sadness all the time. It will close in on you from all side and overwhelm you until you aren't able to think or breathe or move. But those are moments that come and pass (as long as I avoid them).


One of the evenings we were receiving condolences at Blair Castle, and by 8pm no one else was coming. Most of the cousins went out together for drinks. Now that I am no longer a child (although still the youngest cousin) it is great to get to know my much older cousin like a real person, like an adult. I find I actually quite like my cousins. And again, life continued on much like it normally does. Laughing, joking, telling stories, sharing food, sharing company. It just marches on and on, not seeming to care that we have lost someone so important. 

A visit with my favorite guy in 2010

What is the solution to this? I don't think there is one. That's just life isn't it? Even though we all know it, I am still a bit shocked sometimes. Something this devastating surely should make the world pause - right? Even if just for a moment, out of respect. Sometimes it feels like the world has stopped, when I remember grandpa, all bright and vibrant and strong. I remember him telling me stories about meeting grandma or WW2, and this bright light would shine in his eyes. He was sharp and funny and such a loving and caring man. Everything is very still and I can hear the blood thumping in my ears. Then something from life breaks through and there it is again. Life goes on. 

Me and Grandpa on a visit in 2004